Church · Teenagers

Why you don’t have a boyfriend

Last night, Pastor Amy and I had the privilege of taking the youth girls into a separate room and answering their questions about dating and relationships.

We had a blast, laughing about how silly boys are, and giving the girls honest advice, because we remembered how hard it is to be in junior high or high school.

One of the questions really stuck with me. This girl wrote:

“Is it weird that I’ve never had a boyfriend or been on a date? Is something wrong with me? I NEED TO KNOW!”

It stuck with me because I remember that I asked that same question in my own heart for years.

This is me in junior high:

Left: Sixth grade; Right: Seventh grade

I had braces and glasses. I had (really) bad hair. I was too skinny, and I was a big nerd. I was super self-conscious about my looks. But I wasn’t allowed to date, so I didn’t worry (too much) about what boys thought of me.

High school was kinder to me.

Senior picture, taken by Jason and Aurelia Stratton

I got my braces off, bought some new clothes and straightening iron, and got involved at school. I stopped worrying quite so much about my looks, and became more confident and outgoing.

My sixteenth birthday rolled around, and the parental embargo on dating was lifted.

Surely, I thought, I’d have a boyfriend within a week.

But I didn’t. Not one boy professed his undying love for me. No one asked me out.

And I started to feel self-conscious again.

I poured my heart out into my journal:

“Nobody wants to kiss me. Nobody wants to ask me out. At least I’m pretty sure no one does. And if they do, then WHY HAVEN’T THEY? Huh? There’s a real puzzler for ya…. Am I ever gonna have a boyfriend???…. To Do: Figure out why I don’t need a boyfriend, and believe my reasons.”

I wish I could go back in time and give that girl a hug. I wish I could tell her that the story had a happy ending, and that just four short years later, she would meet an incredible guy who would eventually become her boyfriend, and then her husband.

I wish I could tell her the things I know now about relationships.

If you are in junior high and high school and all you want is a boyfriend, it’s actually not that hard to get one.

Just lower your standards.

Be willing to kiss any guy that comes along and do who knows what else when he wants you to. Word will spread quickly among the boys at your school, and all kinds of creeps will be falling all over themselves for five minutes alone with you.

But you’ll feel used. You’ll get your heart broken over and over and over again. And even though you may have a boyfriend, you won’t be happy.

Though you may not have quite figured it out yet, I image that many of you want more than just a boyfriend. You want that elusive “true love.” It is much harder to come by than a boyfriend.

I know that it is hard, but if true love is what you’re really after you may have to wait awhile.

Adulthood feels a million miles away. I remember that. But three or four years of waiting isn’t that long when you compare it with the decades of marriage that you’ll hopefully have with a man who treats you well.

Here’s the truth:

Most boys your age aren’t thinking about true love yet. They aren’t wired that way. They just want to steal a kiss or two. Kisses that don’t belong to them. So they don’t bother with the girls whose standards are high, because it’s too much work and they aren’t ready for that yet.

So for those of you that “NEED TO KNOW,” if you’ve never been asked out by a boy, it’s not because there is something wrong with you.

It’s because there is something very RIGHT with you. 

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