Oh, my friends – where do I even begin?
We announced a week ago that we are closing our church, and so many of you have reached out to us to find out how we are doing, and I haven’t quite had the right words to answer that question.
The truth is, we are grieving. Deeply. Every week we discover a new painful part of this process, and the whole thing has just been plain hard. We’ve cried a lot and there is no easy band-aid to put on this pain.
But….. But, but, but…
My God is in the business of redeeming what is broken.
If you’d asked me a year ago what that means, I would have told you something that sounded really nice, probably using a mosaic as an analogy, how things can be more beautiful because of their brokenness.
But now that I’m having to live that out, I’m finding out God’s redemption is so much bigger than I gave Him credit for. Closing our church is both more broken and more beautiful than I ever could have imagined. I ugly cry almost every day, and God’s grace is there, big in my big pain. God’s grace is there in friends who weep with us, holding us tighter than I would have ever imagined they would do. God’s grace is there in the prayers that poured forth in our living room night after night, sparking revival in our hearts. God’s grace is abounding to us.
Friends, I didn’t know it could be like this.
I knew in my head, theologically, that God is present in the midst of suffering. But the truth is, I think I secretly believed that God’s leading meant a win. That because he asked us to do it, our church couldn’t help but grow bigger and better all the time.
And if I’m being really honest, I think I secretly believed that the people who had planted other churches that closed had missed God’s leading or disobeyed him along the way somewhere. That it couldn’t be God’s plan to lead someone into hardship.
And yet, here we are.
So just what are God’s plans for us?
Most of us who have grown up in church know Jeremiah 29:11, about God’s good plans for us. But what does that even mean?
If you back up a chapter, you will see that Jeremiah was prophesying to the nation of Judah during what was basically foreign occupation by the Babylonian Empire. More and more of the people of Judah were taken captive to Babylon, until Nebuchadnezzar’s puppet king, Zedekiah, rebelled, and the Babylonians destroyed Jerusalem in retaliation (see 2 Chronicles 36).
The people of Judah had no context to process this large-scale punishment for their collective disobedience to God. They were sorry. They wanted to go home. Why wasn’t God hearing their prayers?
Because of this, some prophets were saying that God would deliver them from the oppression of the Babylonians in two short years (see Jeremiah 28:2-3).
But they were wrong. So God prompted Jeremiah to write this letter to the exiles:
“’Build houses and settle down…. Marry and have sons and daughters…. Seek the peace and prosperity of the city into which I have carried you into exile…. Do not let the prophets and diviners among you deceive you. Do not listen to the dreams you encourage them to have. They are prophesying lies in my name. I have not sent them,’ declares the LORD. This is what the LORD says, ‘When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” Jeremiah 29:5-11, emphasis added
Most of the time, I think I am more like the false prophets in this story than I am like Jeremiah. I want there to be a quick fix just around the corner. An “all better.” A why behind my pain. And instead, God says to his precious chosen people, “buckle up. The answer to your prayers is going to be a long time coming. But I know what I’m doing.”
After all, why would God have to reassure us that his plans were not for harm, unless it felt very much as if they were?
And though we don’t like to talk about it much in the church, that is how walking with Jesus often is.
We have taken verses like Jeremiah 29:11 out of context, and fooled ourselves into believing the gospel says “Come and prosper.” We want to believe that God is always leading us to places where we will be richer, happier, healthier, and more successful than we were before.
But what the gospel of Jesus Christ really says is, “Come and die.” We don’t want to the Lord to lead us into places of brokenness and betrayal and heartache, but that is so often the road he asks us to walk.
To know Jesus is to know suffering.
I don’t want that to be true, but I just can’t get away from verses like this:
“You will be hated by all nations for my name’s sake” Matthew 24:9
“In the world, you will have tribulation. But take heart, I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
“[Peter and John] left the presence of the council, rejoicing that they were counted worthy to suffer dishonor for the name [of Jesus].” Acts 5:41
“We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope….” Romans 5:3-4
“For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison….” 2 Corinthians 4:17
“For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weakness, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamites. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:10
“For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake.” Philippians 1:29
“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that testing of your faith produces steadfastness.” James 1:2-3
“Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trail when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.” 1 Peter 4:12-13
The truth is, God does have good plans for us. But we have to let Him define what that good is. And we have to know that the fullness of the good He has for us will not be achieved in this life.
Someday, we will be with Jesus, and he will wipe away every tear from our eyes. That is our future. And even now, in the midst of all we suffer in this life, He is ALWAYS with us. That is our hope.
Jason and I are taking comfort in the far-off future we have in Jesus, no matter what the immediate future holds. We truly have no idea what is next for us. We have not had any job offers or interviews, but we have peace that God will go with us into all of our tomorrows. We are spending more time on our knees than ever before, and if only for that we are grateful for this season and how it drives us to seek more of God.
Thank you to everyone who has been praying for us and taking time to encourage us along the way. We are humbled by your love!
PS. I am indebted to many anointed writers and musical artists whose work God has used to speak to me over the last few months. If you are in a season of brokenness (or want to know how to encourage someone who is), I recommend The Hardest Peace by Kara Tippets, When God Doesn’t Fix It by Laura Story, and Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard. If you’re looking for music, what we have on repeat around here are The Glorious Unfolding by Stephen Curtis Chapman, As Sure as the Sun by Ellie Holcomb, Majestic by Kari Jobe, and How Can It Be by Lauren Daigle.
8 thoughts on “On Closing our Church”
Praying for you and Jason, Amy! Beautiful words for a hard situation- excited about the journey ahead and how God will lead you next! -Ashley Pritchett
Amy. I, too, have recently experienced a traumatic experience that interrupted and indeed ended the very thing I knew to be God’s calling on my life. I am still trying to make sense of it and I have also spent days sobbing and asking God why. I also have been guilty of believing that being in the center of God’s will would provide not only joy, but “a win” as you say, that my endeavor would be blessed and prosperous because I was obedient. I’m not sure why we believe that because through the scriptures we know the truth. It is so hard to believe that truth and live through the suffering without feeling abandoned or maybe even angry at God (I felt both). It doesn’t make sense. My heart mourns with you. The book “Hinds Feet on High Places” was highly recommended to me after my second fall/injuries in Bethlehem that ended my teaching experience and left me dependent on others instead. May you feel the ever present love of our Heavenly Father and may He wrap you tightly in His arms of grace.
I know. Just because we know the truth, it seems, doesn’t mean it’s what we always expect or believe in the deepest places of our hearts. This whole process has been exposing a lot of places where I haven’t trusted God quite as fully as I thought I would. And Hind’s Feet on High Places is one of my new favorites. I had actually never heard of it until recently, and then it seemed like I was seeing it recommended everywhere. It has been so helpful in putting words to a lot of the things I’ve been feeling. (And gives me hope that someday my name will no longer be Much-Afraid!)
Sweetheart, you know (I hope) how very deeply I love you. You also know the heartbreaking path my life has taken, far from the path I expected. And my children are still putting unexpected twists and curves into that path. While the path I walk now is not one I would have ever thought I’d walk, I can tell you that every time I begin to question God’s love or care for us, Matthew makes his presence in my life known, and all the questions are moot. I would not wish a Matthew experience on anyone, but take heart from mine and know we are always in God’s thoughts. He does have a plan, even though it’s hard to see sometimes. All the hard times have led me to the happiest I have ever been in all my 57 years and I know God has brought me to this place. So remember Matthew and know you and Jason will be a stronger family. He is such a wonderful man and God has prepared both of you for this. You are loved beyond measure Amy Elizabeth
Our church closed at the end of December… My husband was the assistant pastor but last summer the senior pastor was forced to resign and things went downhill. In a sense that was what cause events that kind of forced the church to close, but it was something out of our hands and I have struggled with feeling like when all was said and done, we were the ones who were punished. My husband has been working in a fast food restaurant for 4 months while looking for another ministry job, and honestly the last 9 months have been the hardest of my life. Your post was extremely relevant… Thank you for being transparent!
thetidymind, I love your name! Tidy is (one of) my life’s word, I think. 🙂 If I could find the words to encourage you to “be” who you are where you are. It not about the latitude, it is about the attitude…really. My husband and I had been missionaries in India (Pakistan, Bangladesh, Sri Lanka) for 9 years, in1985 our first daughter was born in Peshawar, Pakistan.
She lived 3 hours and 20 minutes…her name was Amy.
We returned to the States hoping to return the following year. Then our second daughter, Katie, died at birth in September 1986 (in the States). In 1987 a second miscarriage ( I had had one in 1984 in Sri Lanka).
We were in the States trying to get “back” to the mission field and the life we loved. Twice we were on target to return and both times the Lord CLOSED the door…one of those doors that when He closes it, no man can open (nor did we want too!).
One day, I was praying and I felt the Lord speak to my heart that, “it is not Where you are, but Who you are. If you will not go down the street and share the gospel with the lady down the street, it does not matter how many ox carts in India you have ridden in”. (and I had ridden in quite a few!)
It was life changing.
I stopped trying to “be somewhere” and started being who I was supposed to be where I was…it was not where I was, it was Who I was.
Now, 30 years later, my life is very rich in the Lord. Adrian Rogers said, ” You have as much of the Lord as you want.” A very true statement. I love sharing the gospel. My husband and I live in a small town surrounded by hundreds of acres of corn fields. And yet the Lord has brought hungry hearts to my door, our kitchen table and even in our drive way…and they have gotten saved. God WILL give you the desires of your heart…if your hearts desire is more of Jesus, He will answer and FILLLLL your life with His Grace and Graciousness.
Let the Lord grow you.
Become a lover of the Word, and prayer.
If you fill your life with these things, it will just spill out of you and lives around your will be touched.
Oh, and in 1988, the Lord blessed us with a third beautiful baby daughter, Elisabeth. She is the only one of five I ever heard cry. Her and her husband have blessed us with two beautiful, precious granddaughters, that I have the privilege of seeing daily (they live across the cornfield from us!) I love the Lord so much, sometimes it seems my heart will burst. He is so wonderful. Trust Him. You will never go wrong.
Love you guys.